I didn’t want to bombard ETID with questions about tour life and music so I recently gave some fans the chance to ask the band anything they want, the crazier the question the better. I made the trek to Leeds and met up with guitarist Andy Williams and vocalsit Keith Buckley. Here’s what they had to say!
Stewart Souter asks: Will a man ever be able to swim faster than a shark?
Andy – No, sharks never stop man.
Keith – I’d like to think I’ll still be alive the day we see that. I think it’ll be a bionic man or something.
Matt Denny asks: F**k. Marry. Kill. Susan Boyle. Ann Widecombe. Vanessa Feltz.
I show Andy and Keith a series of photographs:
Keith – Susan Boyle. I dreamed a dream? I’d marry her.
Andy – I’d marry her too. She’d probably sing all the time in her pretty ass voice. Probably makes good food. Probably fun to walk with.
On Ann Widecombe:
Keith – Oh Boy. She gets the f**k vote for me.
Andy – She kinda looks like a monkey. So she’s a politician? I’d probably kill her then and I don’t even know what she stands for.
On Vanessa Feltz:
Keith – I’ve already voted for fucking and marrying so I’d have to kill her. She looks pretty killable.
Andy – I’d stick it in that one. I’d marry Susan Boyle, I’d stick it in that one and I’d kill the politician.
Kevin George asks: Where’s your favourite place to hide the dead hookers?
Andy – Hollow out the box spring on the bed. Put it in there. Put the mattress back on top.
Keith – I love how people assume we’re fucking and killing people all the time.
As a follow up to the last question, do you do the clean up yourselves or do you hire someone in?
Keith – I really like cleaning, man.
Andy – We already know a guy in our business (I presume Andy’s talking about As I Lay Dying’s former front man, Tim Lambesis) he got caught doing that. He tried to hire someone to kill his wife, obviously he hired a cop. I’m not trying to hire anyone.
Keith – You want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.
Andy – No matter what though, you’re going to jail cos killing people just ain’t right man.
Nyct Ophilia would like to know – If given the choice of these four deaths:
- Tea bagged to death by baboons
- Cannibalised by a seventies Playboy Bunny model
- Thrown naked into a lions’ den, covered in Whiskas cat food
- High on horse tranquilisers in a punctured hot air balloon with no parachute
Which one would you choose and why?
Andy – I’ve never been on horse tranqs but I’d probably pick the monkeys just so I could get close to them. I really love monkeys.
Keith – I’d pick the horse tranq one. At least you’re sedated a little bit. Although if you picked the lion one, at least you get to pet a lion first.
Andy – I wonder how coarse their fur is, you get to have a good grab at that before you die. just a pity you don’t get to tell anyone.
Charleigh Thompson asks: If all of us were to take part in a mass orgy, who would give and who would take?
Andy – Do we get to pick the band that takes part? I’d pick Genesis from the seventies.
I show Andy and Keith a photo of Charleigh and her beloved German Shepherd
Keith – I’d love to hang out with her dog.
Andy – I’d pick the band Orgy for her to listen to.
Keith – Yeah, we’d all her pet her dog while she listened to the band, Orgy and that’s as far it’d go.
What’s your dream Download line up?
Andy – That’s a hard question. I don’t like bands any more. I hate playing with bands. I hate friends that play in bands.
Me – Do you hate playing in a band?
Andy – No! I like that part. I’d like Neil Hamburger to play there. Doug Stanhope as well.
Keith – Blue Man Group.
Andy – Pick like the worst band you can think of and add Cirque Du Soleil to that. Disturbed with David Draiman and Cirque Du Soleil.
Keith – Cirque Du Slayer!
Andy – Now we’re talking!
If you guys weren’t musicians what would you be?
Keith – Can I choose anything? I’d be a professional skateboarder. It looks like so much fun but I can’t skate. When the world around you is like your playground, that’s a great way to live.
Andy – I just wanna be a Japanese wrestler. Just a stiff little motherf**ker who chops people and stuff. I wanna have an unbreakable neck.
What inspires you guys?
Keith – The roar of the crowd!
Andy – Yeah, that’s a good pump!
We’ve lost a few musicians in 2016. Who do you think will be next?
Andy – Ozzy. He’s dead. Ozzy’s gonna be the next death. That’s gonna hurt everybody’s feelings. Is that what you’re meaning? It could be a guy from Manfred Mann and nobody would give a shit. I know that’s really sad to say but it could be like the bass player from Electric Light Orchestra and everybody would just be like “Oh No”. I think Ozzy’s gonna be next and it’s gonna hurt feelings.
Is there anybody you want to be next? Anybody on the hit list?
Andy – Just think of any band. I might very well be next! In fact it’s gonna be this guy right here, him with the red hat (Andy points to a random guy walking past the window) He’s the next dead.
At this point I terminate the interview for fear that the random guy in the red hat might get struck down by lightning and we’ll be held accountable. I spent the rest of the day either watching bands or searching for discount shorts. You can read my review of the Slam Dunk Festival shortly.
