FILM REVIEWS

South Park
Thomas Crown Affair
Austin Powers 2 (Coming soon... or maybe not!)

New Rock Night at Telewest Arena

This and loads of other North-East related information, in the Hitcher's Guide To Newcastle...

More News And Reviews

Album, single and demo reviews updated 10/5/99. For these and more, turn to our Music Pages...

Terror Tales At University

Many unbelievable goings-on were reported at Bradford University during the 1996-7 academic year. For a full report of these heinous happenings, turn to page 2.

Scalping Crimes On Rise

In another frightening incident today, a young man had all his hair cut off by a skinhead with an electric shaver. FULL STORY...

Shock at State of Schools

Check out our rundown of what school not to send your children to, and see the affect of the RGS on an otherwise normal young boy. Page 4.

EX-STUDENT DISCOVERS ROYAL LINKS
EXCLUSIVE
By Tony Watt

Shocking news stirred Bradford suburbs today when it was discovered that Iain Purdie, formerly some slovenly student-type person, was actually one of the ruling-class elite.
The frightening truth came to light when a page on the Queen's recent visit to York noticed Iain's more-than-passing resemblance to an almost unknown royal, Prince Wiggy. The Prince, an almost forgotten member of the royal family, died a lonely lunatic early this century. The page, who wished to remain unnamed, told us, "I couldn't believe it when I saw him. He looked so much like one of the pictures that are stored in a broom closet in the Palace."
Palace officials traced family lines and discovered that Prince Wiggy did indeed sire one son, who turned out to be Mr Purdie's father. Due to Wiggy's distance from the public eye and his (some say forced) reclusive nature, this news barely reached the royal family, let alone anyone else.
Needless to say, Mr Purdie - soon to be Prince Iain - was shocked at the news. After ordering our reporter to kneel in his presence he revealed, "Well, you know. So I'm rich now. And you have to do what I tell you. It's cool. Hey, and don't these robes look well neat? Go great with the trainers, don't you think?"

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Gorgeous Young Man Reveals All

Stunning women (and men) across the world, statuesque Iain Purdie today released personal information about himself. For the full sickening details, see our special on Page 5.

Employment News

Following the career history of one individual, Filbert Uk (well, the Sport can get away with Bertie Ollox...) checks the state of the employment market in the 90's. Feature on Page 6.

And Finally...

Guaranteed to raise a smile, the usual sloppy claptrap about pets that we put in to fill up space. If your hands won't get sticky with all the treacle, turn to Page 7.