New Band of the Day: Chainsaw Penis

Chainsaw Penis
Chainsaw Penis

Yes, you read that right: Chainsaw Penis. Ah, a hark back to the olden days with comedy rock/metal band. There are still a few around (I’ve got another lined up shortly), but the world used to be full of them: Lawnmower Deth, Metal Duck, Sliced Pimples, Anal CuntAcid Reign, The Macc Lads, Warrant…

You see, while the pop world is full of utter fucking shite acts that for some reason want to be taken seriously, the world of heavy metal is blessed with a sense of humour. As a result, we have a surfeit of bands who are fucking shite and don’t care – they’re in it for the laughs, not the ego trip.

Which brings me back to Chainsaw Penis. I am now going to just rip off their facebook “About” page because it’s brilliant. If part of your brain still likes Viz (you know, from when it was funny) then you’ll appreciate it and them. They’re all about daft song titles, shit music and having fun. With ocarinas. They are the world’s finest purveyors of technical progressive blackened transcendental shitdeathgrindcorecore ocarina. With ocarina and jazz influences. Ocarinacore for short.


Download is a funny festival. It attracts such a wide range of people, only very few of whom play the ocarina, that we’re pretty surprised that a Geordie and a Yorkshireman haven’t formed a shitcore band called Chainsaw Penis before now, and that Chainsaw Penis don’t aim to be the worst ocarina band in the world. Well, better late than never. Throw two other insane Yorkshiremen and a chimpanzee like creature from the midlands and the whole grotesque visage is complete. To plumb new depths of badness, to wage an unending war on the very concepts of taste, decency, originality, integrity and humour. To boldly go where no ‘band’ has gone before with an ocarina. You utter dick.


Life is a joke. We live in a world in which Nickelback have a career; where the world’s billionaires and richest landowners tell us we have too much money; where people blow up complete strangers because of an invisible man in the sky; and where Francis plays an ocarina. Sometimes, the only thing a man can do is to stick a humongous middle finger up at absolutely everything. Sometimes, only Chainsaw Penis will suffice. As an artistic statement, we aim to channel the post-modern ethic to explore in sensitive, ocarinal, intricate, ocarinal, yet brutal detail, the issues faced by everyday people whose reproductive organs also happen to be growling chainsaws; the riddle of chainsaw-penis duality, if you will, that confronts us all after world’s end in 2012 (and we firmly believe the world ended in December this year; we are your eternal punishment for being awful human beings).

Or maybe we’re five drunken bellends with FAR too much time on our hands. It really is down to you to decide.

We are not music’s shoe. We are not the scum on the bottom of music’s shoe. We do not deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as scum, or shoes, or music. If you’re interested in booking us for your venue, you clearly have something wrong with you.

So there you go. Listen to then, realise they’re actually as shit as they say they are but still revel in their awesome ridiculousness and allow yourself a guilty chuckle. Hell, they even explain each song at the start of their videos just so you can feel completely involved in the artistic process. They’ve a ton of free stuff (and it should be free, as it’s shit) on bandcamp.

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August 5, 2014 5:38 PM

[…] thanks to former Band of the Day Chainsaw Penis who pointed out that the times I had were those from last year. In my defence, a) they were lifted […]