Joel from Birmingham (UK, not any of your foreign replicas) asks:
“Who’s your tip for the Premier League this year?”
Hmm. Sports. Us Goblins don’t have a lot of time for sports in between warring, fighting, combat, sparring, killing, maiming, fornicating, rending, tearing, ripping, shredding, shagging, eating, disemboweling, thrashing, buggering and so on.
In fact, it’s a shame this football lark lost its honourable beginnings where the head of your enemy was kicked about instead of some vegan-friendly inflated plastic balloon as it is today. Hard on the toes, but so much more satisfying when you needed to get a new one if you punted it over the wall into your neighbour’s garden. I started some great fights that way.
Nowadays you just have some overpaid skinny gimps running about and falling over. The Portuguese in particular seem to have mastered this art form. Whenever someone starts to bleed, they stop the game and remove them instead of letting the other players work up into a blood frenzy and draw blades.
I mean, what kind of sport is that? They should cover the pitch in spikes to anyone diving rips their own torso and limbs open. The ball should be harder, and be non-sperical with reinforced corners and edges so that heading it becomes a game of chance.
The winning team should be the one with the most survivors.
Make my changes and my tip will be that your football will become more popular and the fans will win. You can even eat the dead at half time, which should lower the price of those damn pies.
[Nekrogoblikon’s Power is out now! If you want your problem dealt with by Auntie Goblin then drop her a line.]